Serbs Relentlessly Criticize the Ones They Love

Forgive me. The word probably should not be "criticize", but I don't know what the word in English is for this activity because we just don't do it. Not in the same way.

When a Serb meets a dear friend or relative, often nearly the first words out of his or her mouth will be what Americans would consider critical, rude and even hurtful. For example: "You're getting too fat!" Or, "You're wasting your money on that fancy cell phone." Or, "Your nervous stress is terrible for you and the people who have to live with you."

Whether it's your health, your personal appearance, your finances, your emotions, your love life, your career... let's face it, every single one of us has more than one thing which could be improved. The difference between Serbs and Americans is that Serbs openly and frequently discuss these things with each other in normal conversation. "It's good to see you, but your outfit is atrocious."

If an American is in a particularly bitchy or immature mood, he or she may say those things behind another person's back. It's a bit poisonous, nothing to be proud of. But he or she would never dream of saying it directly in everyday conversation with the person concerned. In polite American society -- especially with the ones you love -- personal criticism is given in exceptional situations of either extreme anger or extreme delicacy.

When my husband and I first met, I found this situation, enduring what was to me constant daily criticism, rather painful. Here, when I wanted to appear at my absolute best for the most important person I'd ever met, I was obviously failing miserably. From his conversation, it seemed the relationship was doomed as he ceaselessly thought about everything was wrong with me. How else could he make those remarks every day otherwise?

"But, I am not criticizing you!," he would explain. "I am trying to help you. I love you! I wouldn't bother to say these things if I didn't love you."

What helped the most, aside from the fact that I was absolutely crazy about him, was seeing him encounter the exact same situation whenever he ran into other Serbs we knew. When his sister said, "Hello, that beard looks awful!" as we walked in the door, and my father's best Serb friend said point blank, "You're getting a pot belly!" immediately upon being introduced to my husband, I began to see this wasn't about our relationship... it was about our cultures.

Since then, I have learned slowly but surely to take Serbian criticism in the spirit in which it is given. As an expression of caring and support. A disconcerting and annoying one, but one nonetheless.

Today though, after five years, I learned something completely new about the situation. It suddenly occurred to me to ask, "What have I ever criticized about you?" He thought for a moment, "Almost nothing. You hardly ever criticize me." "Ha!" I thought triumphantly. Now he will gain perspective and see things from my point of view. Then he continued, "That's a real problem with you. I need you to point things out so I can learn from them. I know I have a lot to improve and you are one of the best people to help me, but you're not helping!" "You mean you wish I would criticize you?" I was astounded. "Yes, yes of course I do! You really need to improve about that. If you love me, you will."